


Coming Home

by Serrenedy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2169066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serrenedy/pseuds/Serrenedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk is not paying attention on a VERY complicated day. He's got one of Jake's stupid plans on his mind</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Specter Deflector](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Specter+Deflector).



Dirk Strider was pissed as Hell. No, worse, Hell stared in awe at his level of pissed. Hell shit itself trying to formulate how pissed he could be. All the demons were now his bitches. Beelzebub himself was bending down to lick the crud from his shoes, so terrified was he of the waves of irritation rolling off of the human male. Earth was moving around happily, unawares of the fact that the principal features in the biggest religion it worshiped were now doomed. God too, that motherfucker was cowering at Dirks feet—

          “Bro!” Orange eyes slid shut behind his glasses before opening again turning to his little brother. Dave was standing outside the car with his best friend John in tow. “You plannin on opening the door anytime soon?” Dirk didn’t dignify that with a response, merely clicking the button that would let the two inside. Once inside, both boys stopped talking to look at their driver. Dirk sped to John’s home, the route memorized, but where was normally talking was instead tense silence. Dirk didn’t seem to mind, he pealed through side streets he knew had no cops to watch him and no traffic lights to bring him down.

          “Um…Dirk?” John was a trooper, kid tried not to let his voice waver a bit. “This is Eridan and Feferi by the way.” Dirk moved his eyes behind the shades to observe the fact there were two more people than calculated in his car.

          “When the fuck did he get there?” Dirk asked, not decelerating in the least.

          “Dude, they’ve been here the whole time. I told you about them this morning, remember? ‘The students got here last night, John’s house is being taken over, glitch in the system, figure we can take some’ _anything getting through?_ ” Dirk pulled over so that the (apparently four) youths in his car were undamaged while he took deep breaths. “Bro…are you alright?” Dave’s voice is soft, and it’s right next to his ear. The kid leaned forward to talk, and damn if it’s not a state sized red flag that Dirk didn’t tell them to buckle up when they first got in the van with him. “Like, you’ve been off the last few days.” Dirk took a deep breath through his nose. Then slight dipped his head in a way that was recognized as a nod only to Dave and John. (anyone that knew him really, so John’s parents, Jade, Rose, and Roxy). When he started driving again, it was to the speed limit.

          “Those two come up alone?” He asked, mostly to John, but to anyone that felt like answering.

          “Our sib-lings came up vit us” Says a lightly accented French from behind him. He nods again. “Someone call them and tell them to haul ass outside.” A moment later, John is on the phone with Jane. When Dirk arrives at the home, Jane is outside waiting for him in the driveway. He pulls up and stops right before hitting her. She looks just as irritated as he feels, and kicks at the car.

          “That stunt stopped being funny after the hundredth time.” She exclaims as he gets out of the car. She smiles at each child that passes her, and ruffles the hair of both John and Dave.

          “I told everyone to get out here, thought we could go for pizza” He explains. She turns on him in an instant, blue eyes blazing.

          “Yeah, you’d want to do that. Listen up buster—”

          “Only you two would use ‘Buster’ unironically. OW” She smacked him with the wide end of her spoon.

          “What is _wrong_ with you” She hisses after she checks that the children are inside. “This is the day they get back! Why are you acting like even more of a curmudgeon than usual?” Dirk huffed and crossed his arms. He lost his slump, lengthening out to his regular 6’4” stature. On a normal day, this would cause the 5’2” woman to take a deep breath, glower at him from behind her glasses, and promise to get to the bottom of the mystery. It was not a normal day. It was the day her Husband and daughter were coming back from the adventure on the Savanah. And said husband’s boyfriend was acting like a grade ‘A’ dick. Since this was not a normal day, and did not guarantee normal reactions, Jane stood on her tippy toes and snatched the glasses off of his face. No matter how stone cold his face was, his eyes were the most annoyingly expressive thing on the face of the planet. He slid them shut, but not before his old friend read everything she needed to in the open book that was his oculars. There was silence for a moment between both of them.

          “He called you didn’t he?” Jane hugged Dirk, and he had his answer. He nodded, unshed tears shining in his eyes.

          “He only called to let me know how Jade was” She assured him even as she handed him back his glasses. “He was just busy Dirk, you can’t think like that.” He gave a grunt, not trusting his voice at the moment. “He adopted a kid with you. Remember? He was papa, and you were Bro. You never got out of that stupid nickname.” His only response to that was a shuddery breath. “He got stuck with me. It was only his sense of honor Dirk, you know that.” She smiled at him, patting his face in a gesture they had used since they were globe hopping children. There were a lot of brunettes with her face, but only one who would randomly pat him. It was the same thing with his glasses and hair.

          “You called everyone?” She nodded in response to the question. She could feel his irritation spike once more before it dissolved completely.  

          “Roxy and Rose are already here with Kanaya and Porrim.” He nodded. She waited a beat. “And their exchange students.” He groaned once. She pat his cheek again. It was strangely soothing.

          “Alright, let the circus began” She flushed once, as she began to push him inside. “Funny you should mention circus’” He looked sideways at her. “Ohh…you’ll see soon enough I suppose.” He sighed deeply.

          “I feel like my life’s been one big prank since I met you.” She hit him upside the head with her spoon again. “Ow”

          “Hoo, Hoo” She giggled at him.

 

Dirk understood ‘Circus’ now. Apparently, John’s glitch in the system had led to _four_ exchange students. Two of them had been in his car, but dammed if he could remember them. There were likely the only two with siblings hanging around, but heaven help him if he could figure out who was related in this mish mosh. Alternia High had a system where the exchange student could bring along one person with them. One of the students had chosen to bring along their best friend, said best friend’s adult, apparently had enough money to up and move no problem, but didn’t have a place to stay at the moment, and so was staying with his son. Both of them were also apparently really devout followers of a religion of clowns and had taken it upon themselves to redecorate. Dirk didn’t even see the last kid, just an unfamiliar boy shouting something oriental into the phone. He was rusty, but it sounded Japanese…and that the relationship had issues. It took a bit of hunting to find Roxy, but he eventually did find her…teaching sleight of hand to the circle of unfamiliar kids, one of which had a Seeing Eye cane. With so many people underfoot, it was nothing short of one of the Clown’s ‘miricales’ that Jane was able to get dinner on the table, let alone organize everyone to sit down around the table to eat. Introductions and the actual eating of food had to wait.

 

          “Jane?” The call echoed from the front of the home. Jane smiled, but remained where she was.

          “In the kitchen” She called. A groan answered her.

“Really dear? I’m hungerin more for a shower than anything. I’ve got grime under my ears _and_ my gears.”  

“Wash up then, and hurry back down. I’ve a surprise for you!” There was a bit of banging. “Jake….” Jane said before he got too far. “Did you forget Jane in Madagascar again?”

“Not this time” Came the bright voice of a much younger female. “Though we had to get separate flights from Australia. He left me, at the baggage claim again!” There is the sound of movement coming towards them.

“JADE CLEAN UP BEFORE YOU COME TO THE KITCHEN!”

“But I wanna see JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” The girl whines. Jade glances over the door to the carefully set up trap.

“No buts, Clean up! Use the garden hose if you must, but don’t track all that dirt into my clean kitchen!” The voice grumbles a bit, before the sounds get further. A short while later a perfectly clean young girl that truly looks like a female version of John comes through the backdoor. She gasps once as she sees the amount of people at the table, but hugs her brother and mom before sitting next to John. Jake walks in moments later. The flour bag and water bucket fall on him at the same time, turning him into a doughy mess. He sighs with the air of acceptance of a man who has had this done for many years.

“You know” He says ruefully. “I just cleaned up”

“It’s what you get for not calling Dirk” She says, just a bit of bitterness crapping into her tone. “He’s been worried sick.” Jake looks up, and it is only then that he notices the plethora of people in his kitchen.

“Really, airing our dirty business here?” Jane shrugged.

“Wait too long and it festers. Now it’s over with.” Jake looked at his wife, but she wasn’t looking at him. “Meenah helped me with dinner tonight. So if it tastes even better than usual, be sure to thank her!” He sighed, knowing it wouldn’t be resolved tonight.  One girl clapped while the bigger one bowed. The bowing one must have been Meenah. “OH goodness me, I got so flustered I forgot you all should do introductions!”

 

The table did go around with intros after that. Meenah was apparently the older sister of the girl he’d had in his car (Feferi). The two couldn’t look any different; it was no wonder Dirk couldn’t peg them as sisters. Feferi seemed to be, in layman’s terms, a hippie. Her long hair fell in waves down her back under a circle band. She looked like the ad for Starbucks. Meenah on the other hand had severely short hair save for her braids. She was covered in scars and bruises, like she actively went _looking_ for fights to get into.

“Bonjour!” Feferi popped up. She then let out a long string of unintelligible babbling. Meenah pulled her down.

“She said it’s nice to meet you all and that she’s very happy she was selected for this opportunity. She also comments that she’s having fun at school and that she wants all of your emails so that she can keep in contact.” Where Feferi bounced in her seat and smiled wide enough to split her face, Meenah seemed constantly irritated about…something. They the cousins of the other kid that had been in his car, Eridan. Eridan was as pretentious as a kid could possibly get, bleached streak in his hair, large frame lenses less glasses, unnecessary scarf in the middle of April _pretentious_. He was the one he had _heard_ in the car, as it seemed Feferi couldn’t actually speak a lick of English and everything was translated by either her sister or one of her cousins. Cronus, Eridan’s brother was in the wrong time period altogether, like he hadn’t caught up on the last fifty years or so of movies. The kid had his hair greased back, a leather jacket, and an unlighted cigarette in his mouth. It was almost like the two were trying to up each other in pretentiousness.

“Karkat, stop” John muttered, trying and failing to keep the grin off his face.

“Kar-bro ain’t never stopped before, he ain’t gonna stop now” The clown next to him responded in scarily perfect English. Karkat (who was the only kid John was supposed to get in the first place) kept muttering in German. As John understood German, it was something very funny and, knowing the kids sense of humor, slightly insulting. Karkat introduced himself, speaking in rough edges around his accent.

“Ja, My name is Karkat. I was told bring family, but father run church, and brother ASSHOLE DOUCHE BULGE MUNCHER so take best friend” He pointed at the clown next to him, which seemed to take this as his cue to jump on his actual seat.

“YO MOTHERFUCKERS! My name is Gamzee MotherFucking Makara! As Kar-bro said, we best friends! Got real MOTHERFUCKIN happy to get the invite, but invite said I needed a parental figure. As I ain’t got none in the commune I live at, I looked again, and it said I could bring any old adult. So I got my Motherfuckin bitch tits spiritual ass advisor to come along. Don’t try to talk to him, he on a speech purge. Wouldn’t do ya’ll brothers and sisters not any good no how—he can’t talk English even if he could talk! But he answers ta Kurloz if ya’ll up and needin him.” Kurloz didn’t look up until he heard his name, and then he just waved. He still had his makeup on, but earlier he had been sporting lip bars. He must have taken out his piercings to eat. The kid that had been on the phone was named ‘Rufioh’ and he spoke for his cousin Tavros, who was apparently shy.

“I was surprised to get the invite. Half because I moved to Japan six months ago and…half because I didn’t know Tav here had the grades to get into the program.” The Filipino blushed at even having eyes on him, and waved slightly. Tavros looked like a kid version of Rufioh and Dirk felt his head start to hurt at all the people he was meeting. He glanced down slightly, Dave was happy, so Dirk didn’t say a word.

 

Terezi Pyrope, was the girl cousin Rose had staying with her. And no matter how much Dave poked at him, neither she nor her ‘Seeing Eye Sister’ as Latula had claimed herself were staying with them if he had any choice in the matter. There was only room for so much Italian in one household. Kanaya, Rose’s girlfriend had a bit of an odd situation. Nepeta was a high functioning Autistic that had issues translating from Greek to English outside of with her hands. Her sign was then translated by Equius, her best friend. He was the legal age in Greece, but only a few months older than her. So his brother Horuss had come instead of him. Horuss was wearing a screen with Equius on it. This made it so that neither of Porrim’s house guests could speak English, only the child transmitted through at times shaky wi-fi signal. However, Horuss could speak Hindi. He just couldn’t speak sign.  In the end, it was the Ampora—Peixes cousins that he took off of Jane’s hands, though he did have the feeling that she’d much rather he take the Clowns, but it was hard enough to get sleep with Dave rapping to himself. He didn’t need the kid getting in Rap offs with Gamzee, that had actually happened at the party. Dirk actually did appreciate the help. Meenah was a natural born leader and able to wrangle everyone into bed at a reasonable hour. The only problem with the elders was that, apparently they were only Cousins by marriage. He had to listen to Cronus flirt with Meenah while his brother and her sister cursed him for it. Dirk was very annoyed at his decision to learn a little bit of every language back when he was an army brat. The house was settling down for bed when there was a ring at the bell. After the day he’d had, Dirk was about ready to shoot whoever it was.  He got up and threw on pants and his shades, to see who it was. Dave had gotten to the door before him.

          “Hey Pops, what’s up?” Jake looked up as soon as Dirk entered. Dave glanced between the two of them.

          “Oh, eww—got it, gone” With that he maneuvered away almost faster than the naked eye could catch. “Use a condom, we don’t need a little me runnin around” Jake chuckled, to be stopped by Dirk’s glare.

          “Dirk, nice to see you mate.” Dirk did not smile. “It occurs to me I didn’t call” Dirk stepped fully outside, slamming the door behind him. Jake winced at the sound.

          “Let me guess.” The bottle blonde snarled to the Aussie. “She kicked you out until you came to talk to me” Jake sighed heavily.

          “Dirk it was nothing against you, I swear. It was…I thought it was a good idea. It just went…well, down the rabbit hole I guess ya could say”

          “I’m listening. What was this dumb ass idea you had?”

          “You know how she thinks. She says that I choose you and Dave, that I got stuck with her and the twins. I just hoped that if I took Jade with me and…”

          “And didn’t call me but called her she’d think she was on your mind more.” Dirk sighed again, and massaged away the wrinkle that was forming on his forehead. “Man, she thinks she stole you. This whole arrangement was so that no one felt bad or left out.” Jake blushed.

          “What do I do?” Dirk looked at him, really looked at him. Their arrangement was aging him a bit, threads of silver weaving along his dark hair. He kissed his boyfriend, long at hard.

          “Go to your damn wife. John’s probably missed you, you idiot.” Jake nodded sullenly. Dirk gave him another kiss, this one trailed down into little nips along his collarbone. He waited until his boyfriend was hot and bothered before stopping. “I’m texting said wife, and telling her that you’re completely cut off for a week because of this stupid little stunt.”

          “Wha—you can’t! Dirk, that’s meaner than a one fanged snake” Dirk smiled at that.

“It’s a wonder John and Jade and speak normally.” He chuckled. “After a week, you aren’t going on any adventures for at least a year…unless Jade has another physics symposium.” Jake smiled at that.

“I don’t know how she’s so smart” He marvels.

“Uncle Dirk obviously.”  Jake scoffs at that. “And you can go back to alternating months. Just…ya know, take her out and actually sleep with her once in a blue moon, she is kinda your wife.” Jake nods at that, then gives a wan smile.

“Ya know, she recommended I go back to moths too. How’d I end up with the two smartest and most understanding partners in the world?” Dirk kisses him again.

“You have to have us, we’re the only ones that put up with you. And nice try, but I’m still texting Jane”

“Damn” Jake leaves and Dirk slinks back inside his house, a slight tugging on his lips.

“Careful” Dave says from the couch. “Your smile is so extreme it’s causing shock waves you can feel in Germany.”

“Man go to bed or I’ll show you more porn of me and your pops” Dave disappears. Dirk returns to bed. He’ll deal with the house guests later, he’ll text Jane later. Right now, he’s just happy. And no matter how complicated life gets, the simple things seem to stay the same.

**Author's Note:**

> I realized as I finished this, that I didn't need the trolls as exchange students. I did NOT need to make this as complicated as I did...oh well.


End file.
